Spud Watch Mid-Summer Bonanza Part 2

Part 2 of the Mid-Summer bonanza. With the start of the new season just around the corner, Spud Watch reviews who of our Irish golden wonders has been the most in-demand this summer. The answer is Amanda Brunker.

TRANSFERS……….

Kevin Kilbane said he was happy at Huddersfield and this is a high enough level for Trap. Perhaps the last time he actually looked at what was going on in the English leagues Huddersfield may have been in the top division. Then Killer joined up with Paul Green at Derby County. Still Trap will be pleased he has two internationals performing in the top division. And he’ll have no problem getting them released for Ireland duty as the manager is great friends with Brian Clough, or at least, he used to be.

There’s talk of Kevin Doyle to Arsenal and Juventus, by his agent anyways. My agent/homeless lad in Rathmines told me three years ago I’d have a career by now. Don’t believe everything these agents tell you. I was told I’d have a presenting job and look at me now? I’m shovelling the proverbial shite in the bog of life.

Doyle would do well at Arsenal. He is every bit as confident as Bendner but without the arrogance, something which doesn’t work particularly well when you miss as much as Bendtner. Doyle is about to enter his peak and would learn a lot at the Emirates, but I think that Arsenal could learn an awful lot more than him. For the last five years he’s been carrying so much on his back, giving everything without fear of getting hurt. I think Wexford people are particularly tough bastards as they had to put up with some pretty nasty Christian Brothers, the likes of which were always at the top of the FIFA world rankings for Christians Brothers. Above all else he is not a choker, which Arsenal are awash with at the moment, from the top down. Equally he could do well at Juventus. Generally, smart and decent people can go anywhere and adapt without too many problems and do quite well. People who are not smart or decent don’t do so well, like Jermaine Pennant going to Spain, or when Ritchie and Eddie went on holidays to Doncaster in Bottom.

Shay Given’s stint of porridge ends at City as he joins up with Dick Dunne and Ciaran Clark.

The annual Richard Dunne to Arsenal rumour is touted by the press to make Wenger listen. I don’t think he ever takes it seriously. Why would he when he can buy a French lad who costs way less than Dunney’s arse and can be schooled by the manager to be a feeble accident waiting to happen. When it comes to defending, the French have traditionally lacked foresight. We’ve all seen “Band of Brothers”, ‘Allo Allo” and Djimi Traoré.

Robbie Keane

There’s talk also of Robbie Keane to QPR. Either way he’ll be getting paid and expect to see him laughing all the way to AIB.

Sean St Ledger

This is a good move for this cretin. Chances are Leicester could be in the Premier League next season with the money they have behind them, which means we will have to wait another year before you all see what I can see and this charlatan is exposed badly in the top flight. You mark my words Spudwatchites, this man is going to fail badly some day, very badly. I said the same thing about Oasis in 1995. I was only a very young spud farmer back then but I could see that these were not what the hype machine was saying they were. You see my friends, some people have a field, and they think that their field is better than all the other fields in the world, and they never leave the field or go away to see what other fields look like, but yet they fully believe that their field is the best.

This is a metaphor, and if you don’t know what a metaphor is, then it’s time to leave the field. Sean St Ledger’s field is riddled with barren stony grey soil that used to make Patrick Kavanagh so upset he would masturbate until he cried with infuriating anger as he hid behind the wall sitting on his BMX which had one of them reflectors that made laser noises. Sean St Ledger’s field is full to the brim with those ditches you find over at the bog that smell like old men’s genitals.

Darron Gibson

Dazza needs a serious dose of reality. In his head he’s still a Man U player, and even if he is playing shite he’s playing shite at Man U and his manager for some reason keeps picking him.

But if he goes to a lesser team and continues to play as shite, then his manager may drop him and all of a sudden he is a shite player getting bit parts at a low-end Premier League club rather than Man United.

He doesn’t seem to have any courage from what I can see. People with courage eventually see and accept their faults and try to improve on them.

Darron Gibson is an average player who happened to be at one of the world’s best clubs and he has inexplicably been given chance after chance to prove himself and each time he has failed. It’s probably not his fault the manager keeps picking him.

It’s a lot like Amanda Brunker at Oxegen. MCD recruited her, when clearly she is a trout with tits, like one of them singing trouts, the ones that repeat the Macarena song.

She does have some pair of tits though, and in Alex Ferguson’s eyes, Darron Gibson’s shot is like the proverbial pair of tits. But when you can’t see his tits, i.e. when he has to sing on stage so to speak (try to function as a central midfielder) and then he contributes nothing, his tits aren’t worth a proverbial wank, so to speak.

John O’Shea

Kieron Westwood joined Sunderland which is a great move for him as he is a decent goalkeeper and deserves recognition. He is followed to the Stadium of Light. A loyal servant to Man U, and I guess his days were starting to look numbered particularly with those two South-American ladyboy chipmunk brothers and Chris Smalling signing long contracts but he still should have played in the Champions League final at some stage.

Let’s hope things work out well up north for John O’Shea. He is one of the good guys after all.

Championship

The final slice in Pie Reid’s full circle was complete when he signed for Forest. He returns after not cutting the mustard at Blackpool. This is where it all began/went wrong for Pie. His first experience of a 24-hour canteen with gravy burgers on tap, and I imagine his agent didn’t have to do much to resell this mouth-watering prospect. Let’s hope it works out for Reidy. He has a lot better chance of getting picked by Trapattoni now who seems to have a soft spot for players operating at much lower levels.

Some music on the ipods of Irish players and management

Trapatoni/ Tardelli –

The Specials – Gangsters

We don’t care – Audio Bullys

Emerson Palmer Lake – Lucky Man(ager)

Woke Up Laughing – Robert Palmer

James McCarthy/Shane Long/Kevin Doyle

Harry Nilsson – Everybody’s talking about me

Stephen Ireland/David Meyler/Shane Clifford

The Kinks – Tired of Waiting for you

Paul McShane/Kevin Kilbane/Darren O’Dea/Stephen Kelly

Ball of confusion – The Temptations

Kevin Kilbane/Glen Whelan

Do me a favour…(retire) – Arctic Monkeys

Andrews/Gibson/ McShane/ Whelan/Green/St Ledger etc.

Glen Medeiros – Nothing’s Gonna Change my (Hatred) of you

Maybe I’m Amazed (that your getting paid to play football) – Paul McCartney

Richard Hell and the Voidoids – Blank Generation

Get the Funk out of my Face – The Brothers Johnson

Kevin Doyle

Should I Stay or Should I Go – The Clash

Bright Lights Bigger City – Ceelo Green

You’re Gonna Miss Me – 13th floor Elevators

Beyoncé – Irreplaceable

Shay Given

Rolling Stone – I’m Free

Stephen Ireland

Beyoncé – Ego

Pete Ham – Without You

Caleb Folan

The Only Living (Irish international who scored an MLS goal) in NYC -Paul Simon

Stephen Kelly

Michael Jackson – Black or White?

Robbie Keane –

For the Love of the Money – The O’jays

Give Me Everything – Pitbull

Junk – Paul McCartney

You Ain’t Goin Nowhere – Bob Dylan

Alex Bruce

Judas – Lady Gaga

Non-Irish players ipods

Amanda Brunker

(S)he’s a Whore – Cheap Trick

(Un)popular – Nada Surf

If You Tolerate This Then Your Children Will be Next – Manic Street Preachers

Ryan Giggs –

Orgasm Addict – Buzzcocks

England National Team

Dum Dum Boys – Iggy Pop

Gazza

The bottle – Gill Scott-Heron

I need a dollar – Aloe Blacc

Dog lover from Limerick

How Much is that Doggie in the Window? – Doris Day

BINGO was his Name-O – Traditional

Dog Days are Over – Florence and the Machine

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