WOOOOO wooooooooooo – Happy Halloween Spud Watchers. If, like me, you got the trots watching The Exorcist last night then be warned by the scary nature of this week’s Spud Watch. Actually there’s nothing scary about it, just the usual poor grammar, spelling mistakes and nonsense. I did see five ghosts on Saturday however – Glenn Whelan, Paul Green, Marc Wilson, Darren Gibson and Keith Andrews...wooo woooooo. Enough of this foolishness.....

WOOOOO wooooooooooo – Happy Halloween Spud Watchers. If, like me, you got the trots watching The Exorcist last night then be warned by the scary nature of this week’s Spud Watch. Actually there’s nothing scary about it, just the usual poor grammar, spelling mistakes and nonsense. I did see five ghosts on Saturday however – Glenn Whelan, Paul Green, Marc Wilson, Darren Gibson and Keith Andrews…wooo woooooo. Enough of this foolishness…

At Goodison

Seamus Coleman was a starter again for Everton in their 1-0 home win, part of the back-four who kept a clean sheet. There were a few of the undead facing him in the shape of Marc Wilson and Glenn Whelan later on. Rory Delap was an unused sub on the Stoke bench, presumably because he had injuries to his arms and hands.

At Fulham

Stephen Kelly is starting to come down with a serious dose of Glenn Whelan flu. He was an unused sub for the Cottagers at home to Wigan. Apparently Duff is back in training so that’s nice. Wigan could have done with their rock James McCarthy in the middle and he’ll be glad to see that his replacement Tom Cleverly was far from clever in the middle of the pitch. In fact he was sh*te.

At Wolves

Wolves’ three spud stalwarts – Frog Ward, Axel Foley and Kevin ‘Hitman’ Doyle were all impressive in their 2-1 win at home to Man City. Foley set up one and Doyle was involved in the winner. The Wexican international was as impressive as ever getting battered over the course of the 90 by City’s Kompany and the Toure brothers, who look like end-of-level baddies on Golden Axe on the Master System.

Their other Irishman, Stephen Hunt, seems to have lost none of his untamed buccaneering tenacity. He was in the faces of many of the City players who didn’t fancy taking on the feisty Waterford quasi-gypsy.

Trap must look to Wolves with their ready-made fullbacks in Ward and Foley who, on form, deserve to start in next month’s friendly at the very least. Kevin Doyle is probably trying to download a new back off the internet as he continues to play the Paul O’Connell role to great effect for Wolves who were worth their win. A tilt of the cap must also go to Mick McCarthy who took a chance bringing all these spuds here that could easily have backfired and unravelled the way it seems to have for his one-time arch nemesis, Roy Keane at Ipswich.

As for Shay Given, he had the air of a beaten and listless man on the bench, looking more and more like Christopher Walken at the end of Deerhunter. He doesn’t even have Greg Cunningham there any more to analyse The Fair City omnibus. Cunningham has gone off on loan to Leicester. And who could blame him. If Mancini continues to give Zabaleta games despite his consistent poor form, then what chance does young Cunningham have? It’s enough to give Joe Duffy an ulcer the way the Oirish are being treated at Shiteeh and it brings a tear to my eye.

At Old Trafford

A rare start for Robbie Keane who was wearing the captain’s arm band. Robbie must have thought that Harry was having a laugh at this stage, but sure enough he wasn’t and Keane was given a chance to “seeeeeize the daaaaay” as that b*llocks Damien Dempsey would say. It was almost a lousy dig by Redknapp however, picking Keane to play as a loan-striker when he knows he has never been particularly effective in this role. Poor Robbie was barely involved in his 70 minutes on the pitch and as the guy on teletext said, his replacement Pavlyuchenko managed to do more after 30 seconds than Keane did all evening. It’s harsh on Robbie who would have been more suited to playing in the hole but he might get another run in the Champion’s League this week, with Van Der Vaart going off injured. John O’Shea was an unused sub for United and it seems that he too is coming down with a serious dose of Whelan flu. As for Darren Gibson, he continues to be about as much use as a perforated condom – this time there wasn’t even a place on the bench for the Derryman.

The Tyne–Wear derby

Chris Hughton had a real swell day at home to Sunderland hammering the seven shades of sh*te out of them by 5 goals to 1. He’s been getting a rough time of it by the board at Newcastle and hopefully this sets them straight. Nobody wants to see any more Irish people lose their jobs in these straitened times. Sunderland looked toothless and one wonders why Andy Reid has upped guitar and headed for Sheffield United. There are some wonderful pie and kebab shops around those parts and it’s always been his dream to open for the Arctic Monkees. It’s only for a month and on this form Sunderland need him back fit more than ever. Better news for David Meyler – he has an outside chance of being fit enough to be included in the next Irish squad – I just hope Trapattoni realises this – so if your reading this Trap, please realise this and also give Andy Reid another chance – we don’t want the poor lad to eat himself to death due to depression, like Mary Harney is currently trying to do.

The Brum Derby

Three Irish players involved and ironically, one called Ireland who wasn’t. Keith Fahey, Richard Dunne and Ciaran Clark started with Clark playing in a more advanced midfield role where he contributed more than Casper Whelan and Marc Wilson did all afternoon at Stoke on Saturday. Come to think of it, he contributed more than Paul Green, Glenn Whelan and Darren Gibson did in the two last internationals combined. He looks a real player and reminds me of a certain black pearl, ex-Villa great, who was more than decent as a centre-half or in centre-mid and who also enjoyed a pint or seven of Ronseal. Good news for Keith Fahey, he completed his first 90 minutes in the league for Birmingham this year so credit to him. He’s plugging away quietly but effectively. You hearing me Trap? The rejuvenated Stephen Carr continues to be one of the most industrious and unstoppable fullbacks in the Premier League and my advice to Trap would be to turn up on Carr’s doorstep on his knees with three top bollock Slovakian hookers, a large bottle of Bollinger and a brand new Datsun Sunny wrapped in ribbons.

As for Stephen Ireland, on this form, we’re not missing much. He reminds me of one of those Faustian tales where a man trades his happiness for great fortune in a pact with the devil and then, when the man realises the error of his ways he pleads with the devil to return things to the way they were. In this case he (Ireland) exchanged international football for being one of the most outstanding goal-scoring midfielders in the Premiership, but did it make him happy? How long before he is back on Trap’s doorstep on his knees, wig in hand, pleading? And with him, his three dead grandmas, a bottle of buckfast and a banjo and pie strapped Andy Reid performing The Auld Triangle.

I hate you Joey O’Brien

F**k you Joey O’Brien. Every week you say on the Bolton website you are ready to return to action but you never do. Enough of your sh*te.

Another man who has had enough is Bolton’s Andy O’Brien. He has decided to take a step down a division to join Leeds United where he has been guaranteed first team football and a new nose.

Elsewhere, Steven Reid was introduced as a sub in West Brom’s trip to the sea-side at Blackpool.

Down At The Emirates

There are unconfirmed reports that Mark Noble is about to declare for us so at least this would be nice to have another player that is playing in the Premier League and not the usual shite-hawks in midfield who get about as much Premiership action as I get regular sex – let’s just say I haven’t got much Premiership action lately. The Hammers also had a chap named Winstone Reid on the bench who got me all excited when I saw his name there – but on closer inspection my hopes were dashed when I discovered he was New Zealandic – if that’s the correct term. Well it doesn’t matter now anyways as there’s more chance of Winstone from The Ghostbusters playing for us at this stage (The black lad who didn’t get as many funny lines as Bill Murray).

Noble’s side lost 1-0 to the Arse who will never ever have any Irish players unless they ride under-age prostitutes, make nonsense film noir, like women with poor personal hygiene, and run away during the war…these are the types Mr. Wenger tends to go for.

Finally, down the sh*tter

In the championship – Hull City were able to accommodate Kilbane and McShane in their first eleven. Kilbane even managed to score but it’s pretty obvious why Hull are languishing just outside the drop zone when these two geniuses are starting. Sean St. Ledger’s Preston defence conceded another goal and lost. Roy Keane’s Ipswich got back to winning ways. Liam Lawrence scored the winner for Pompey, which is probably a lot more craic than sitting down beside Glenn Whelan, Marc Wilson or Rory Delap every Saturday. And it seems old habits die hard for Andrew Keogh at Cardiff. For the second week running he was an unused spud as his side now lead the Championship. A frustrating day too for Shane Long at Reading despite his team winning 4-3 at home. He wasn’t among the scorers and was taken off after an hour. Andy Reid came on for Sheffield United in the second half but looked a bit bloated and didn’t do a whole lot. Still, a solid month of sleeping on old friend and team-mate, Mark Yeate’s Sheffield couch, watching Two and a Half Men box-sets, will have him back in shape and ready for Trapattoni’s next rejection in no time.

That’s it for this week. Now let’s see what’s playing on some of our lads ipods……………….

Damien Duff:

Miss you – Rolling Stones

Andy Reid:

Dont you forget about me – Simple Minds

Lazy – Express 2 Feat David Byrne

The Man (ager) Don’t Give A F*ck – Super Furry Animals

Aiden McGeady:

In A Big Country – Big Country

Stephen Ireland:

Maniac – DJ Mark McCabe

Regret -New Order

Grandma got runover by a raindeer – Declan Nerney

Stephen Hunt:

Diirty – Christina Agulera

The Jolly Tinker– The Clancy Brothers

Shay Given:

(un)Happy – The Rolling Stones

Ain’t Too Proud to Beg – The Temptations

Roy Keane:

These boots are made for walking -Nancy Sinatra,

Big mouth strikes again – The Smiths

Sean St Ledger:

No good – The Prodigy

Some non-Irish ipods……..

Trapattoni :

Do you realise? (that Kilbane is finished) The Flaming Lips

Gareth Bale:

Born To Run – Bruce Springsteen

Marc Viviene Foe:

Something’s got a hold of my heart – Gene Pitney


Dont let The Sun (Newspaper) See You Crying – Gerry and The Pacemakers

Smack My Bitch Up – The Prodigy

I got stripes – Johnny Cash,

Harry Redknapp:

It’s Not Fair – Lily Allen

Alex Ferguson:

It’s Like That (and that’s the way it is) – RUN DMC

Ian Dowie:

Unpretty – TLC