Spud Watch – The Irish Abroad 03.05.11

Spud Watch returns after spending the last two months in a Maharishi retreat to combat the night horrors afflicted by the thoughts of Glenn Whelan getting an FA Cup medal. Life really isn’t fair is it?

Whelan’s like the bollocks in the middle of the class who’s no good at anything in particular but the teacher always gets him to run errands like printing off stuff and doing collecting for charity in supermarkets – cos they know he won’t steal anything. But at the end of the day he’s no good at maths, no good at English, no good at sports. In the five years of schooling he never once contributed anything that could be regarded as witty, memorable or intelligent.He never threw Yop at the lad everyone used to bully. He never farted when it went quiet during prayers. He never got mugged every week by those pesky Travellers beside the canal-line. He never smoked doobies during lunchtime. He never fingered that mess from the Tech (now my current wife). And yet he is now in a good job, earning a good wage. He has 931 friends on Facebook and puts pictures up of himself having a great time with a slew of other c*nts just like him.

Glenn Whelan at home to Macedonia was nothing short of atrocious. Spineless, cowardly and vapid in his endeavours to create or destroy. In many ways, the very opposite of Roy Keane.

The lad will play in a cup final. So why shouldn’t we all just kill ourselves? Well my friends, I have been downloading pictures of ropes off the internet all afternoon and I just cannot answer that. Life isn’t fair.

Here is Spud Watch.

Coleman at Everton

Seamus Coleman is falling away a bit. Some new sub lad is starting to get a look-in. And I hope he doesn’t get too down on himself. The great thing for him though is that he is blessed with pace which gives a man more robust esteem. As even when his tricks don’t work or his touch is off, at least Coleman knows in his own head that he can run faster than most full-backs. Kevin Kilbane centered his whole career on his ability to run quickly in four different directions and he did OK out of it.

It’s a lot like when you go out and you haven’t got the ride in a while. If you are a handsome lad then it doesn’t matter if you are not funny or good at diddling women with nonsense lines trying to win them over, because if you are handsome, women will have sex with you anyways because you are handsome, and women are shallow. Most lads I know would have sex with anything you see, not just pretty women, anything. In fact most lads I know would pay good money to have sex with women that are horrible. I know I would. So although I may have digressed a bit here, what I am getting at is that Coleman knows in his own head that even if his touch is off he is still very very fast and so long as he can run fast he will always have a chance of hitting form again. Of course now that he is on 20K-a -week he can probably afford to have sex with some of those fat women I was mentioning earlier. Lucky bastard.

Fulham – Damian Duff

Damian Duff is probably in a vein of form that he hasn’t seen since he was about 25 years-of-age. More or less dropped by Hughes at one stage, he is now perhaps Ireland’s most important player. It’s a far cry from the Duff on show back in the friendly against Norway last November where he looked sluggish, craft-less and on the way out. Now I do not know what has happened. I dunno what has changed in his life to cause a turnaround – equally, I dunno what changed when his form drained from him the first time around – but it’s a strange thing the human condition. One minute you’re balls deep in Glenda Gilson in Lillies, the next you’re on the transfer list at a Championship side getting rejected by those fat horrible women from above. I’ve a phone full of them.

I don’t know if it’s all down to women though. Rooney has made up with his wife. Perhaps Torres has realised that he married too early in his life. So maybe Duff has hit the hookers scene hard. A man’s voracious appetite for really top bollock hookers can feed the esteem no end if he has a few pound in his pocket round South West London.

Stephen Kelly

I don’t know what to say. Hasn’t played in months.

Man U.

While out injured, Sheasy had been taking paper-mache art classes in Salford. He’s been playing with a spring in his step since returning to fitness and seems to have regained his place in the United team that now has some stiff opposition for the right back place.

One man who, in my opinion, isn’t even worth a place in Glasnevin cemetery is Darron Gibson. Now I’m the man’s harshest critic, but aside from his goal against Wales, what has he contributed in two months of football? Doesn’t offer a shield, look for the ball, get on the end of things Lampard-mercenary style, or impose any kind of presence. Surely in all the mundane midfields that Ferguson has had over the years (Liam “How the f*ck did I end up at United” Miller, Kleberson, Jumba Jumba, Extremely Fortunate Fintan ) Gibson has to rank amongst the sh*ttest. And Ferguson has really persevered with him. Even poor Liam Miller didn’t get this many chances.So what does Ferguson see in him? Did the man from Free Derry make an offer Ferguson couldn’t refuse? For a man who sounds as hard as nails off the pitch, Darron Gibson is the biggest pansy to don a green jersey since Inn On The Liffey Paddy’s Day float. A real disappointment. I want the lad to succeed only perhaps because I hate him slightly less than Glenn Whelan and Paul Green.

(PS. I don’t have a Twitter account so that wasn’t me)

Stoke – Whelan

Singleness, unemployment and mashed bone in my leg have caused me to look inward and re-evaluate life. Maybe I am being too hard on people. Maybe it was a sign from God to take a more balanced view to stop my belligerent, caustic rants levelled at our dynamic/sh*thouse midfield. So maybe I should change. Maybe my abuse of these people says more about me than it does them. Maybe it badly exposes esteem issues I have struggled with myself over the years of not being good enough. And that their successes at such a high level, despite not being brilliant, frustrates me.

Or maybe I am completely right. Glenn Whelan and Marc Wilson played in the FA Cup semi-final and the previous four league games for Stoke. And the Lord God can strike me down with whatever he likes, but I refuse to accept that these charlatans are anything other than afterthoughts when it comes to what a real footballer should be. Uninvolved in anything creative or defensive, bar a shot Wilson rattled off the crossbar at Chelsea,

…Having said that, Glenn Whelan has been part of Stoke’s recent good form. But on closer inspection, what has he contributed? Isn’t it just a coincidence that he just happens to be in a team that’s doing quite well despite him being sh*t? Like the bass player with NYC punks “The Strokes”. That guy is getting a free ride.Like Gibson being in the United winning team against West Ham. Whelan just so happens to be in a Stoke team doing well. I thought Whelan’s performance against Macedonia ranked up there with his very sh*ttest, (Only Montenegro in Croke Park in 2009 ranks sh*tter. That still makes blood come out of my mouth just thinking about it). So Whelan will continue to be one of the first names on the team sheet. He’s part of a strong Premier League team and Trapattoni loves the man. I think he is human incontinence.

Jon Walters

Jon Walters ran half the pitch to score the goal of the weekend against Chelsea the other week. It’s hard to know what to make of this lad. It’s hard to know if he’s two stone overweight or if he’s just a block of a man; like Ronaldo used to be before he started injecting angel-dust into his arse at AC Milan. Walters seems to have pace, speed and balance and perhaps a touch of class? You often wonder about lads like this, previously he’s played for clubs like Chester, Crewe, Barnsley, Hull and Ipswich which, by my maths, are all fairly sh*te. Where was he all these years?

Marc Wilson

Marc Wilson had two shots on goal against Chelsea, one of which hit the crossbar. But as the idiom goes two swallows doesn’t make a summer.

Wigan – James McCarthy

We expect more from him. A lot more. That brace aside earlier in the season, what has he done lately?

Wolves

...are pretty f*cked and going down without Kevin Doyle, and in many ways this isn’t a bad thing because it means he will get another club if they do so. It’s like when the computer blows up when you’re on your day off and then the boss blames everyone else because you weren’t there and had you been there it wouldn’t have happened, but little did the boss know that you had poured jam on the keyboard the night before for the laugh, so really it was your fault. If my boss is reading this, then I didn’t spill the jam, it was Glenn Whelan.

Jamie O’Hara has been piss-poor of late, but piss-poor is still better than absolute sh*te (see Glenn Whelan). So is he going to declare for Ireland or what?

Birmingham

Stephen Carr is still the best full-back we have.

Keith Fahey is probably still the best option in midfield and seems to start every second or third game but usually is involved at some stage. He seems to be playing with a lot of confidence when he does get in. That League Cup medal will do him good. I remember when myself and three thirteen year-old -girls won medals in an under-14 Community Games quiz once. I was 19 at the time. A leading Irish sports-journalist presented us with our awards (allegedly).

In Russia

Aiden McGeady has been in glistening pre-season form of late for club and country and recently started dating a woman called Barry whom he met on Russian-Male-Order-Brides.

Championship and in Scotland

Tony Stokes

Still doesn’t score enough. Very good passer of a ball for a centre-forward.

Has done well since getting back in the first team after his pops took a leaf out of the Floyd Mayweather Sr. book of management.

Ian Harte

Well done Ian Harte for getting into the Championship team of the year. I saw an interview with Harte last week and it sounds like he has been getting elocution lessons. Gone is his previous drawl, where he sounded like a donkey trying to sing which we first heard out of him about 10-12 years ago. In its place is a delightful new accent which sounds like the intelligent Gremlin from Gremlins 2 that was able to speak English.

To be honest though, for a left-back, his defending and lack of pace always let him down but a montage of Hartey’s free kick over the years was a sight to behold and sent blood gushing into my penis. He really did score some crackers over the years and of late, and had the montage not been cut short by a power cut, then I’m pretty sure I would have destroyed my Climie Fisher boxer shorts.

Shane Long

Long has gone off the boil a bit in the last couple of weeks. He has still done enough to secure a move if Reading don’t go up. He’s grown physically in the last two years and now looks like a Rugby League player.

Paul Green

Injured. My heart bleeds.

Paddy Kenny

Phat Kenny is heading for the Premier League and deservedly so.

Willie Sheppard Henderson

Continues to look like a top top goalie

Sean St Ledger

A very very very very bad footballer. Sean will be playing in League 1 next year. I feel somewhat vindicated. Terrible footballing brain. Terrible at defending. Terrible human.

Songs playing on the iPods of Irish players:

Shane Long

Adele – Someone Like You (would do well at Arsenal)

Kevin Doyle

Dido – I will go down with this ship

Mick McCarthy

Michael Bolton – How am I supposed to live without you (Kevin Doyle)

James McCarthy

Roxy music – (I expect) More than this

Jon Walters

Goldie Lookin’ Chain – Half Man Half Machine

The Eagles – Johnny Come Lately

Sean St Ledger

James Brown – Superbad

Glenn Whelan

XTC – Dear God

Damian Duff

Air – You Make It Easy

Wes Hoolohan

The Supremes – Come See About Me

Darren Gibson

Charlotte Ganisburg – (No) Trick Pony

Non-Irish Players:

Arsene Wenger

The Doors – The End

A leading Irish Sports Journalist

Pink Floyd – Young Lust

Gazza

Christina Aguilera – The Voice Within

Paul Simon – Still Crazy After All These Years

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