Spud Watch – The Irish Abroad 04/02/11

HELLO friends and welcome to Spud Watch – lots to talk about this week but also the usual dose of nonsensical boll*cks, plus an in-depth analysis of Trap’s squad (in Spud Watch – Stop The Press) which chopped and changed more times than the original Pippa in Home and Away. (Incidentally, the original Pippa is a better midfield option than Paul Green or Glenn Whelan).

Robbie Keane

Football’s perennial club whore, Robbie Keane is West Ham’s latest floozy. Apparently Robbie was made to sing a few Elvis songs in front of his new team mates to help break the ice. One wonders what kind of state he was in having not played in so long. Let’s hope it was more like Elvis Comeback Special in 68 and not like his Checking-Out Special in 78 with Robbie sitting on the toilet with a a half pounder, 40 majors and a can of Harp.

Keane returned to what he used to do best during the week, scoring goals (not prancing round looking for frees). It’s good to see “a little less conversation a little more action” with Robbie moving in the right direction again. And a few quick-fire goals will confirm all those “Suspicious Minds” out there that he’s not “the Devil in Disguise, especially with his new “Blue Suede Shoes” boot deal (sweet Jesus), aiding his “Burning Love” for scoring international goals at the “(A)viva Las Vegas” and visiting “the Ghetto” in Tallaght. His wife Claudine must also be chuffed. She is “Always on my Mind” when I am in the shower. Enough of this nonsense.

Wigan – James McCarthy

There’s a lot of responsibility on James McCarthy’s shoulders. He’s being touted as Ireland’s great white hope. He’s trying to keep Wigan in the Premier League and he’s not had it easy on Eastenders either lately. Thankfully Phil Mitchell has taken him under his wing.

It was a shock seeing young Spud-scot back on the Wigan bench so soon after injury, which wasn’t even announced on RTE’s Premiership coverage that Saturday. Of course, RTE do announce it when Whelan is on the bench (which is normally every week and is almost like a running joke at this stage). But why did they choose not to inform us of McCarthy’s presence in the Wigan dug-out? Myself and Jim Corr have been doing some work on this conspiracy and we have no doubt that the Jewish Marklar family at RTE are behind it. When Phil Mitchell gets wind of it, Jewish Marklar Ryle Nugent is going to be a dead man walking.

Fulham – Damien Duff

He’s hit a nice bit of form of late has Duff – himself and Ciaran Clark were in the BBC team-of-the-week recently.

Duffer finally ended his goal drought against his old club Newcastle – how he didn’t score in the previous games is beyond me but this one was put on a plate for him by Danny Murphy. But Duff will take that – it doesn’t matter what it looks like, a goal is a goal. We’ve all been there. When you haven’t got the ride in months/years/ever and when you do get it, it doesn’t matter if she’s massive/dead. It doesn’t matter if you wake up the next day and she has more facial hair than you. It doesn’t matter if you find her in the kitchen the next morning eating the fridge door and the spice rack. It doesn’t matter if your landlord cries when he sees what she has done to your poor ould bed. It doesn’t matter. Because now the drought is over and Duff will have that air of want gone off him hence increasing the chances that his next goal could be something more aesthetically pleasing and not a woman whose sh*tes weigh more than he does. Football is a funny old game.

Everton- Coleman

Seamus Coleman continues to barnstorm the Premier League but let’s hope it’s not just a flash in the pan. We all remember Rick Astley? Or do we? Where is he now? I recently saw him singing in a BP garage beside Luton Airport. Astley was part of the music sh*t factory that produced a lot of shite – a bit like the Carroll’s meat factory in Tullamore. Their lasagne frequently turns my bowels to liquid and is one of the best laxatives on the market. Let’s hope that Coleman’s output of wing-wizardry continues to be of a high standard and not the brown liquid that Aiden McGeady and Kevin Kilbane have become renowned for.

Coleman and Duff for Ireland is now a mouth-watering prospect and if Mr. Senility integrates them into the first team we could be in with a real shout against Russia and Macedonia away and Slovakia at home. Get the money on early my friends because they’ll all be Russing (this is like rushing but it combines Russia and rushing to create a formidable topical joke) to the bookies after the “Cash N’Carry Cup” in the Aviva next week. Seriously this is a sure thing as they say in stock-trading. Svengali Giovanni Gecko needs to get his best trader Bud Coleman on the floor pronto, otherwise we risk ending up with a load of worthless frozen orange juice and no European Championship to go to.

Like Eddie Murphy in Trading Places, Coleman can be the hero. Let’s hope he doesn’t take the cash-cow “Golden Child”/”Boomerang” role, causing irreparable damage to his acting career by moving to Manchester City and sh*tting all over himself in the process, that he is allowed to flourish and become part of the Irish first team with immediate effect, and that our senile Italian manager learns to control his bowels and stop sh*tting all over our talent. There’s nothing worse than wasted talent.

Stephen Ireland

“There’s nothing worse than wasted talent” -George Best,

You may or may not have heard of a band called The La’s. They were a Liverpudlian 60’s sounding guitar outfit. Perhaps you are familiar with their hit “There She Goes” which has been used in many films and is still a staple on hit radio stations. For those of you who are not familiar, The La’s should have been been the biggest band of the 90’s. If it wasn’t for the group’s highly influential talisman Lee Mavers, Liam Gallagher would have spent the 90’s blowing homeless men for crack money.

“There’s nothing worse than wasted talent” – Kieron Dyer

Mavers was/is a dysfunctional perfectionist and was often too eccentric to work with causing the band to become defunct. Mavers is now 48 and his day is gone. Stephen Ireland equally has a personality which makes him dysfunctional – but he is still only 24. His Newcastle move will make or break Ireland and its time for him to stop this madness or he will end up crying like Mavers every time he hears the riff off “There She Goes” on the radio. Ironically the man Ireland will be lining up beside, Joey Barton, is from the same estate in Liverpool as Mavers.

“There’s nothing worse than Joey Barton” – Ousmane Dabo

Shay Given

“He’s a real nowhere man,

Sitting in his Nowhere Land,

Making all his nowhere plans for nobody”

Blackburn

Keith Andrews is back. Awesome.

Stoke

N/A

Wolves

I don’t want to talk about it. Foley is injured. Kevin Doyle is definitely the most unlucky striker in the Premier League. He needs a goal but he’s working hard. There’s only so many times you can say a lad is unlucky and is working hard before you stop believing it’s not their fault. Like a fat person telling you that its not their fault they are fat. It is your fault Andy Reid.

Blackpool – Andy Reid

Great move for him as he is suited to a good footballing club. Sadly Blackpool has more chip vans and candy floss machines than anywhere else in England. I watched him play the other night and to be honest he’s struggling. He’s struggling to fit on the screen of a wide-screen telly.

Man United

Darren Gibson is really really awful and doesn’t seem to have learned anything in three years at Man U. He doesn’t even get shots on target anymore and can count himself lucky that he’s not playing on the same team as Roy Keane as he would have upended him by now.

Maybe Ferguson should suggest that Gibson move in with Sheasy? Like Carroll and Kevin Nolan did.

The Championship and Scotland

Sean St Ledger

The patron saint for sh*tness continues to do be awful. Preston are at the bottom of the league. He’s been in and out of team lately, perhaps through injury, but he hasn’t made any difference when playing.

He’s consistently being linked to big clubs. According to his agent. That’s like me saying I’ve been consistently linked to a decent journalist job. It’s all hearsay and down to an agent spinning more sh*te than a pottery worker in a pottery factor that uses excrement instead of clay. He brings shame to a great tradition of outstanding Irish centre-halfs – McGrath, O’Leary, Dunne, Moran and Liam Daish.

If there is a God in Heaven then this “Saint” will be banished to another place. A place that is not in the Irish squad and a place also where I get a proper journalism job or, at the very least, a job in that sh*t factory.

Tony Stokes

Tony’s banging them in regularly these days. There’s no flies on Tony. I tell you what I have noticed about Tony, he is an extremely good passer of a football. I know it’s easy to look like Glen Hoddle when your playing Ayr United but Tony is still developing well. He might still amount to something. Fair play to you Tony.

Conor Sammon

Well done to Conor Sammon who secured a big move from Scotland to the Premier League. You don’t see the papers raving about this even though he’s the top scorer in Scotland. Trapattoni will have to watch him now and I lets hope he makes it big. It’s a shame really that Trapattoni continues to ignore him and it looks as though Sammon follows a long tradition of Irish talent that was forced to go abroad to make a name for themselves because they were being largely ignored – i.e. Terry Wogan, Henry Kelly, Lenny Henry and Terry Waite.

Shane Long

The wee-man from Tipp has been on fire of late, like a young Nicky English. The same multi-talented Nicky English that won two All Irelands for Tipperary and was lead singer of a band called Joy Division back in the day.

And then went on to be the the star of a sitcom over yonder in England. Shane Long is a man behaving far from badly these days and it’s hard to see any reason why he won’t be in the Premier League this time next year.

Songs currently playing on the Irish iPods:

Shay Given

MASH – Suicide is Painless

Wolves (Mick McCarthy, Kevin Doyle, Stephen Hunt, Kevin Foley, Frog Ward)

Aslan – Don’t Go Down On Me

Glenn Whelan/Paul Green

Annie Lennox – Why?

James McCarthy/Seamus Coleman/ Ciaran Clark

The Beatles –Dont Let Me Down

Stephen Ireland

Funkadelic – Maggot Brain

Liam Miller/Stephen McPhail/Richie Partridge/Graham Barrett

The Libertines – What became of the Likely Lads

Andy Reid

The Streets – You’re (un)fit and You Know It

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