Spud Watch: The Irish Abroad 05.10.10

IT LOOKS like Giovanni Trapattoni has been reading Spud Watch  (I really hope someone is) and has heeded our advice. Young Coleman was drafted into the Irish squad and was once again a starter for Everton on Saturday, bombing up and down the right wing throughout their side’s impressive 2- 0 win away to Birmingham.

He plays like a man thoroughly enjoying his football. Whether it be on the right wing or at full-back, over the 90 minutes Coleman gets up and down more times than a porn star’s penis on a good night.

Keith Fahey didn’t do too badly either and it’s good to see him get some game-time. Our other most in form right-sided, but sadly retired, Irish international, Stephen Carr starred again for Birmingham and will consider himself unlucky not to have gotten a peno. Carr is playing with the gay abandon now that once made him the best full back in the Premiership all those years ago.

Speaking of full-backs, John O’Shea continues to be a utility player for United –  I need to link this thing together some way to cover the cracks in my Vauxhall Conference- style journalism (but it’s still not as bad as anything in the Evening Herald).Yes, John O Shea slotted in at left-back this time. Being a utility player has always guaranteed him games unlike Darron Gibson these days – a fact which no-doubt has the anti-spud, Nigel Worthington, sniggering into his can of stale flat Harp Lager.

Better news for Andy Reid at Sunderland, he seems to be forcing his way back into the side where he starred last year – he got 10 minutes and must be pushing for a start given the Black Cat’s lack of creativity. Reid will also take heart from the fact that the graphic used for human FIFA 2011 no longer looks like a pie with legs and he has really got his life back on track in the aftermath of going through a nasty break-up with The Stadium Of Light dinner lady.

It was a bad day for Wolves’ Kevin Doyle and Axel Foley – they went down 2-0 to James McCarthy’s Wigan. McCarthy is a giant of a man and Trap seriously needs to start considering him as an option given the fact that he has a rare trait in an Irish player at the moment – he’s played every game in the Premier League. The way things are going, by the time of this week’s internationals some of our players will have forgotten the rules – though some would argue that McShane never really knew them.

Delap set up yet another basketball-style anti-football death-ball goal for Stoke. He is single-handedly (or double-handedly) Stoke’s most creative player, setting up Ireland B-international Jon Walters who seems to be Jon Macken mark 2 i.e. he doesn’t know what Winning Streak, Nationwide or International Youth Knock-Out with Aonghus Mcanally were, and has never had a w**k looking at Miriam O’Callaghan. Walters probably, and quite rightly, feels that his prospects of playing in a major international competition are more likely in the adopted green jersey. Still at least he’s playing games, unlike Glenn Whelan who got a minute, coming on for the highly effective one-man circus act, Delap. Marc Wilson seems to have just taken Liam Lawrence’s seat on the Stoke bench. On the opposite bench, Keith Andrews could be seen dreaming of memories past wondering where it all went wrong. Another sad looking spud rotting on a touchline.

Down in London, Robbie Keane looked like someone had sh*t in his cereal as he sat in the Spurs dugout– he didn’t get even a minute, which is worrying given they are still without Jermaine Defoe. It’s hard to not feel sorry for the man – Keane is currently riddled with spud-rot and the future is bleak. There has to be more to life than sitting on a bench every Saturday. Maybe he should join a pilates class or at least bring a few cans.

Better news for Richie Dunne as he is back in the Villa team. Honey Monster should have done better for Spurs’ winning goal. Still it could be worse as Stephen Ireland got 10 minutes and in that time he managed to not even touch the ball once, a very lost and frustrated looking man indeed. I would be genuinely fearful for what this man may do next. I’m thinking Michael Douglas “Falling Down” meets “Bowling for Columbine”

Still no Joey O’Brien for Bolton. I fear he may be dead. And Leon Best also. Damien Duff looked decent, away to West Ham but hasn’t yet returned to last season’s goal-scoring form. His back is almost a right angle at this stage and it’s a miracle he’s still able to walk.

In the championship

Who would have thought this time last year that Paddy Kenny would be Ireland’s most in-form goalkeeper? – he’s conceded just two goals in nine games for Championship table-toppers QPR. For the first time in as long as Shay Given has been available for selection for Ireland, there is a real case for Kenny’s inclusion. Impressive stuff for a man who once had a lump bitten out of his head in a drunken brawl outside of a chippers in Sheffield. It just goes to show you that Spud Watch wasn’t the only one who thought Kenny’s head was a potato.

Paul McShane played 90 minutes. Kilbane was spotted looking at a brochure for Robbie Keane’s pilates class on Hull’s bench. Likewise, Andy Keogh for Cardiff was an unused spud. Liam Lawrence scored a penalty. Keith Treacy, one of our golden wonders, scored yet again for Preston while Ian Harte continues to impress at Reading. He would have been a great player, Hartey, if there was better internet connection between his brain and his legs and he didn’t move like one of the bad guys from Double Dragon on the Commodore 64.

Up in Scotland

Tony Stokes came off the bench to set up two for Celtic and 23-year-old Dubliner Conor Sammon a half spud/half fish (nicknamed the Sammon of College during his days at UCD) that I haven’t mentioned here before, scored his sixth league goal of the season for Kilmarnock. Likewise 22-year-old Dub Adam Rooney for Iverness C T scored his sixth of the season. Technically speaking these are the two most in-form Irish strikers – this statistic made me weep a little.

In Bulgaria

Spud Watch finally received an update on Cillian Sheridan’s exploits abroad – Sheridan has now scored three goals for his new club and things are going quite well for the young Cavanman at CSKA Sofia. Our source tells us that he has managed to get the ride twice since settling in Sofia, which isn’t too bad although the ride isn’t too hard come by in Bulgaria, unless you’re Ian Dowie.

That’s the low-down on all the Spuds in action abroad, now here are some of society’s other stereotypes involved last weekend:

Nick Blackman (Motherwell) – a coloured gentleman

Gil Blumenstein (Inverness Caledonian Thistle) – a Jewish gentleman

Van der Vaart (Spurs) – a British detective.

Adam Clayton (Leeds United) – a very wealthy drug-addled bass guitarist,

Jelle Van Damme (Wolves) – a bad actor,

Spud Watch will be back after the international break so let’s hope our current crop can get six points against Russia and Slovakia – in the meantime we will be in Bulgaria trying to get the ride….

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