Spud Watch – The Irish Abroad 18/01/11

THINGS are ticking over nicely as our players are starting to approach something like form, just in time for the Anti-Good Friday Agreement/Carling Nations Cup in February. Let’s have a look now and see how our golden wonders did this week…

Merseyside derby

A quiet week for our young saviour Coleman – though he can’t be expected to go out and do it every single week. Only Lionel Messi and Bruce Forsyth can do that.

The fastest players on the pitch, Coleman and Glen Johnson, largely negated each other for the whole game. It was like a classic Pokémon duel which, as any fan knows, occurs when two Pokémon of disparate core elements are pitted against each other – I recall a similar confrontation from my youth (I was 22) where my electric-based Magnetonwas pitted against a level 39 Graveler in theCeladon City MegaMart Roof Gym. What I thought was a routine battle to increase my HP (health power) turned out to be the duel of my life. I often wake up in the middle of the night wondering what I could have done differently.

Glen Johnson is like a Pokémon indigenous to Hackney Downs, where he was exposed to the bad things in life early on by evil agents from Team Rocket. He has great speed and maybe a penchant for shop-lifting. Usually when Pokémon are transferred from one owner to another it tends to make them grow but Johnson has been involved in multiple Pokémon transfers and has not evolved yet.

Seamus Coleman is a Potato-based Pokémon with an unnatural amount of speed and sheer ability. Potato-based Pokémon have a penchant for emigrating when they get hungry or when they are out of work. He is blessed with a very good trainer at the moment (something which sadly, and it pains me to say, I wasn’t). His current coach (David Moyes) will get the maximum amount of HP possible at this level. When transferred to a bigger Trainer (José Mourinho, Alex Ferguson, Pep Guardiola or Mihayu Shiragazu – a legendary Asian child-trainer who has caught all of the Pokémon) I have no doubt that he will evolve into one of the all time greatPokémon. It is imperative that Coleman stays away from evil trainers like Roberto Mancini who represent purveyors of doom, and a place where other Potato-basedPokémon like Shay Given are being ill-treated.

Glen Johnson will spend the rest of his career appearing in caves like one of those pesky wild Zubat’s at the Fuchsia City Caves of Saffron Interzone. My childhood was a bad time for me.

Keane to Learn (The Sun ain’t got sh*t on me)

Roy Keane joins the illustrious 196 Euros a week club, eating at the top table with the likes of Dustin The Turkey, Thelma Mansfield and Gerry Ryan’s PA. Some are saying that maybe Roy needs to get in somewhere in a Number 2 role, learning the ropes from a top-class manager, but I believe that this will never work. Keane has to be Number 1. It’s his modus operandi. Keane doesn’t take orders from anyone. It’d be like Fred West trying to give Gerry Daly gardening lessons.


Stephen Carr – another awesome showing from Carr – only Raphael for United gets forward more in the Premier League – and in terms of defending, he is peerless, which by my maths, makes him the best right back in the division. And the great thing for us here at Spud Watch Towers is that he’s Irish – so we are laughing, right? Are we f*ck. Don’t get me wrong, I’m really happy for Stephen Carr. I’m delighted he U-turned on his decision to retire from professional football for his own sake – but I’d rather he was playing sh*te in Division 3 (Kevin Kilbane) because at the moment, with John O’Shea away injured/Gay Pride carnival in Rio; with Stephen Kelly dropped/injured at Fulham; with Coleman no longer a right-back; with McShane wanted by Colonel Decker for crimes against football, and with Kilbane now plying his trade in Division 6/The Rhyman’s-Unemployed-Working-Man’s-Prison league – we are in dire need of Carr’s services.

It makes it all the more sickening that Carr is playing so well. You can laugh, and he probably won’t be selected in the “PFA Team of the Year”, because he plays with a club that’s about as glamorous as turning up at a film première with Teasyfrom Glenroe on your arm but in my opinion Carr is the De Facto best right-back in the top-flight.

Now I love The Beatles, more than the next man. There isn’t a sound or noise released, either bootlegged or officially that I am not aware of. I’ve read all the books, all the bullsh*t and the brilliance. But in a sick way I imagine that some people were happy that John Lennon was shot in 1980, because it meant they didn’t have to live with knowing that The Beatles could reform and make a higher level of pop music than the vapid, craft-less, mundanely-generic Bee Gees-esque-kitsch-disco and the omnipresent soft-rock-b*llocks that riddled the the Top 40 in the UK and The Billboard 100 for the entire 1970s.

So when Lennon was shot, it was a sick kind of closure, ruling out the hypothetical reunion. So should I purchase a copy of The Catcher in The Rye and hang around outside of The Dakota Building in Birmingham, and put us all out of our misery? I’d also be willing to shoot Donny Osmonde, Paul McShane, Paul Green, the remaining Bee-Gees, Matt Cooper, Stoke City, Paul McShane, Ryan Tubridy and Paul McShane.

Keith Fahey

Credit to Keith Fahey – I’m sure some of you are aware that the Birmingham squad already contains players like Larsson, Bowyer, Hleb and now Bentley – but this has not stopped the man from Dublin holding his place. He’s a tidy player who always gets in a few shots a game, contributing like more of a technical Mark Kinsella and a less transparent/sh*t Matt Holland, and hopefully he will sit in nicely beside David Meyler and/or James McCarthy as there is simply no excuse now. In the words of Twisted Sister “We’re Not Gonna Take It ANYMORE”, Giovanni.

Man U

Sheasy is still up-on-blocks and is expected to be back training soon. It may be time for a move for John O’Shea with Raphael starting to nail right-back.

I’m not sure what has happened to Darron Gibson. He has been dropped from the squad and had his heart broken by Alex Ferguson after some really good form of late. It’s times like this he’ll be glad he has Josh’s shoulder to cry on.

Tyne derby

Leon Best continues to look like a Premier League striker and was unlucky not to score. Andy Reid continues to look like a small country – he was an unused sub on the Sunderland bench – a bench that looked visibly strained by Reid’s larger than life booty.

Stoke City

The three average-amigos at Stoke City, Whelan, Walters and Wilson all got a run out, albeit in bit parts. Though Walters managed to bag a brace. Whelan finally got some game time after spending much of the last couple of months sitting on the bench day-dreaming like the gay lad from TV3 on the old ESB ad, the one with Dusty Springfield singing

“I thiiiiink I’m gooooing back …to the thiiings I learned so weeeeelll…. iinn mmmyy yooouuth”

A young Alan Hughes reminisces on the bus journey home from college in Galway to see his mother. In Whelan’s case, he is no doubt dreaming of all the good times at under-age level where he spent his days hiding under a wheel-barrow in the middle of the pitch at Crumlin United, taking sh*t long-range shots. Still at least he didn’t wind up with a perma-fake-tan co-presenting on morning TV with Aidan Cooney.

An excerpt from the mind of Giovanni Trapattoni

“Hello Giovanni. This is the voice of your subconscious. I know me and you haven’t always seen eye-to eye and I know you really want to touch Manuela’s special places.. we all do. And I know you want Shay Given and Robbie Keane to stop being money-grabbing c*nts but you have to be realistic. I have always given you the benefit of the doubt, even over the last two years when you have consistently picked those three sh*t sea-urchins in the middle of the pitch – Green, Andrews and Whelan, not to mention those insipid degenerates – McShane, Kilbane and Sean St Protestant. And I have only ever given you a few mild strokes – but this time I mean it, Giovanni – YOU MUST LISTEN TO ME…

Your team picks itself. Look at young Ciaran Clark. He has nailed it at club level, at left-full, centre-half or centre-mid – he is one of the most promising young players in the league and a divine act from God has made him declare for Ireland, probably helped in no small part by Richard Dunne threatening to eat him if he didn’t.

In Wolverhampton you have Kevin Foley who you consistently overlook – He is a stand-out in the Wolves defence. Likewise Ward is worth a squad place.

RING Stephen Carr. Make him an offer he can’t resist – get him vouchers for SuperQuinn and a month’s supply of “Rub and Tugs” from that good Asian spot you’re always going to out by the Airport – no man can say no to SuperQuinn vouchers

Keith Fahey must start.

Stoke-on-Trent is a very mundane place. Slash from Guns N Roses aside, it has contributed nothing to the world. The same goes for those Irish players at the Britannia Stadium. Forget about Whelan and Wilson.

And it’s a toss-up between Leon Best and Jon Walters for a striker’s place. Both of them are very big men and look like they would leave big sh*ts behind them in the toilet, but you MUST go with whoever leaves the LEAST amount of sh*t on the pitch, as you cannot pick both – I suggest Leon Best on form right now.

“IF YOU OVERLOOK SEAMUS COLEMAN AGAIN then I will give you the kind of stroke that f*cks you up so bad, it will leave your bowel in a better shape to make decisions than your brain. Your brain will be f*cked-up beyond belief, like the way those poor Irish people will be when Fine Gael come into power”.

That is all for now Giovanni, hurry along to the Rub and Tug, as I cannot make this erection last forever.

Yours truly,

Your Subconscious Mind


Doyle, Hunt, and Ward were unlucky not to get something at City and Wolves are starting to look like the team from last year again. But will it be enough? If our Irish players are as good as I think they are, then I reckon it should. I have been known to be wrong though. I once predicted that Dublin girl-band Bellefire would go on to be bigger than The Supremes; how wrong I was as the four girls have spent the 00’s blowing homeless men and singing a few bars of “All I Want is You” for crack money.

Kevin Doyle is a handsome lad and would have no such trouble making a few pound on the streets – Stephen Hunt would struggle to pull in the reptile house in Dublin Zoo. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that and by May, Wolves will experience “Some Kind of Perfect Bliss”.

Wigan – Fulham

Sill no sign James McCarthy who’s due back training soon. Damien Duff has returned though, dribbling as well as ever but he should have had a hattrick. A goal will help him as he continues to suffer from poor finishing. Like a blind male porn star at the money shot, he was firing everywhere but into the mouth (goal). He’s still playing very well is Duff and he’s back beating players which is good enough for me. All of a sudden the thoughts of Duff and Coleman on the wings for Ireland is making me hard. I quickly think of Aiden McGeady which rapidly quells it. I find that this works well for me since I changed my medication. I’ve been getting erections in swimming pools and while standing up on the bus on the way to town. If it wasn’t for Aidan McGeady I’d be rotting in the sex offenders block at Portlaoise prison by now.


Quote of the week:

“Sean St Ledger is going nowhere” – Phil Brown.

I couldn’t have said it better myself Phil. Another manager who obviously reads Spud Watch regularly. If you are reading this Phil, I still hate you and so does everyone else.

Preston NE are still bottom and Sean St Ledger, continues to struggle for form. Or does he? Because if you never had form to start with then how would you be struggling to find it?

Liam Lawrence played for Portsmouth setting up a goal for Wanky Kanu. I’d forgotten he’s still playing.

And Shane Long’s march towards a higher level continues. I know he’s only playing in a lower league but I urge you to look at some of his finishing of late. Really classy stuff, like a young John Aldridge. All he needs is a dirty moustache and a few bars of “Lily The Pink” and he’ll be the complete player. You may laugh, but Liverpool would do well to take him on board. Stop laughing at me you c*nt.

Paul McShane was spotted outside the KC Stadium chasing cars with a plastic sword. No sign of him in the squad and he seems to have been replaced by a one-legged mannequin on the Hull bench.

Paul Green also showed he has another string to his versatile bow for Derby – proving not only is he sh*t in centre-midfield, he’s also sh*t at right-back now where he was being deployed on Saturday.

Two more clean-sheets for the league’s two best goalies – Paddy Kenny and Kieren Westwood. Westwood is 26 so if Shay Given dies from neglect/lack of exercise any time soon, then he is a very adequate back-up to have. Paddy Kenny’s form of his life continues with top-of-the table QPR . He’s blessed with being half the size of the goal.


It’s 16 goals in 21 games now for Conor Sammon at Kilmarnock. He scored on Saturday after seemingly going off the boil a bit up there. Sammon is now more prolific than Tony Stoke’s who has 12 in 17. Tony’s been in and out of the Celtic team this season more times than a fiddler’s elbow – a fiddle player now, not Father Fortune/Josef Fritzl. Still though Tony’s hit some form lately and if he keeps this up he’ll be able to break-out of the Fritzl-esque dungeon that is the Scottish League.

What’s currently playing on the Irish lad’s iPods:

Shay Given

Heart – Alone (…A Loan)

Hall and Oates – I Can’t Go for that

Robbie Keane

White Snake – Here I Go Again

Chuck Berry – No Particular Place to go

Sean St Ledger

Public Enemy – Don’t Believe the Hype

Stephen Carr

The Beatles – Got to Get you into My Life (Trap)

Tony Stokes

Katy Perry – You’re Hot and You’re Cold

Andy Reid

The Band – The Weight

The Beatles – I am the Walrus

The Beatles – Carry that Weight


Gang of Four – Not Great Men

Iggy Pop – The Passenger(s)

Green/Mcshane/Kilbane/St Ledger

The Beach Boys – Vegetables

Shane Long

ABBA – Take a Chance on Me (Sunderland? Wigan? Blackpool? Everton? LIVERPOOL?)

Roy Keane

Bruce Springsteen – Fire(d)

Martin O’Neill

The Kinks – Well Respected Man


Non Irish iPods..

Man City

Primal Scream – Loaded

Rio and Vidic

INXS – Never Tear Us Apart

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