In the third part of our look at the state of the Republic of Ireland squad ahead of Euro 2012, Spud Watch reveals how Glenn Whelan will stop Xavi, Iniesta, Busquets and Alonso this summer, says people should lay off Kevin Doyle, and discusses how, even at his age, Trap practices safe sex.

In the third part of our look at the state of the Republic of Ireland squad ahead of Euro 2012, Spud Watch reveals how Glenn Whelan will stop Xavi, Iniesta, Busquets and Alonso this summer, says people should lay off Kevin Doyle, and discusses how, even at his age, Trap practices safe sex.


David Meyler is yet to get a real run-out. I think if he can hang in there MON could be the man to bring him on. I still have high hopes for him. And even if he doesn’t make it for the Euros, he could be seen as a long term replacement for the irreplaceable Glennardinho Whelan.

With regard to John O’Shea, Martin O’Neill may make a man of him yet. He has been operating as centre-half which by my maths would push St. Sean Ledger out of the Irish team. Yes, the thought of that has temporarily cured my erectile dysfunction. Perhaps St. Ledger is the root of my problem. Imagine that? Imagine, a team sans Sean St. Ledger. I now know how Martin Luther King felt that day he was doing stand-up in Washington.


Leon Best is a hard worker despite what Trap says and probably deserves more on merit. He’s played more minutes than most in the Premier League this year but his injury rules him out of the Czech game and that could be it for the Euros.

Man United

No longer any Paddys on any of the the top five first teams these days. It’s a sad state of affairs, although Liam Miller is talking about coming back for the rest of the season to help United, having gone south to live the dream. He’s currently off zorbing with his trusty side-kick Eric Djemba-Djemba, taking mushroom truffles and acid in Thailand having spent the past six months picking fruit and fist-fighting Croatians and Italians, probably.

Stoke City

The Golden boy, Glenn Whelan, has been a pillar in the middle for Stoke this season. He covers the whole pitch, like a leaking slurry tank. Whelan’s anti-football will be the perfect foil next summer for the Spanish who love Paella, La Bamba, Sangria, Flemenco dancing, anal sex, Fiestas, goats, Las Ketchup, Bull-fighting, but not bullsh*t; they cannot stand sh*t. Whelan has this in droves.

Marc Wilson is looking for a call-up all of a sudden, I wonder why? If you had a player who was half Marc Wilson/half Rory Delap then…you’d still have a fairly sh*t player.

Jon Walters, another one of the many Irish strikers plugging away in the Premier League. He needs more goals, most of them are from penalties and you can’t really count these. It’s like shifting one of your cousins at a wedding; it’s not the same.


Wes Hoolohan aside, there’s a whole slew of other Johnny Come Latelys (Pilkington, Tierney) at Norwich knocking on the door. They can go f*ck themselves if you ask me ( nobody ever asks me). I don’t think Hoolohan fits into Trap’s system. It’s like putting a boot spoiler and alloy wheels on a Volkswagen Jetta. Our Jetta just needs the green diesel that Glenn Whelan provides. Paradox. Trap is all about safety first. He probably wears six johnnies when riding hookers whereas I am content to wear my lucky UB40 baseball hat.

Glenn Whelan will be pitted against any of Xavi, Busquets, Iniesta, and Alonso. To be fair though, it doesn’t matter what team we face; every team we have ever played has dominated us; Slovakia, Macedonia, Georgia, Estonia, Russia, Andorra. We’ve been steamrolled by them all in the middle of the pitch.

But that doesn’t matter. I think that teams believe this is too easy against us. They get led into a false sense of security. It’s like when you’re playing with your kids down at the park and you give the ball back to them. You don’t go in hard and break them up (unless you’re Roy Keane).

By this same token, Xavi, Busquets, Iniesta, Alonso, Modric, and Pirlo feel sorry for Glenn Whelan.

They think he is like one of those chaps in the supermarket who pack your shopping for you. These people are not as foolish as you think. They get free use of the canteen and can lift as many sweets as they like and they get away with it. Fair play to them that’s what I say. Glenn will hoodwink the opposition and steal their sweets all the way to the semi-finals, you mark my words. In the words of Luke Kelly:


Stephen Hunt – Another man but for a few kisses off his cousins at weddings would have little to show for his season’s efforts. Still one of the most energising subs in the Premier League coming off the bench and perhaps this is his strongest role for club and country.

Stephen Ward – Wardy is a very good attacking full-back but not as good a defending full-back. Still, he’s better than Kilbane who is not a very good defending full-back or attacking full-back.

Things change very quickly in football. All of a sudden Kevin Doyle is behind Shane LongRobbie Keane, Leon Best, Simon Cox in the world rankings of Irish strikers (perennial fat f*ck Terry Dixon, who recently joined Dover, pushed him close for 6th).

Kevin Doyle  People are very quick in this country to write off Doyley. Once one of the first names on the team-sheet for Ireland, and after the first poor season of his career, he has been dismissed as no good. To some, he is on the proverbial sh*t-heap joining an illustrious list that includes Glenda Gilson, Mondo, Brush Shields, the lad who plays Dick Byrne in Glenroe, Thelma Mansfield, that fat ginger lad from The Den, Samantha Mumba, Don Conroy, Bagatelle, Aonghus McAnally, Spiral and Doyley’s namesake, Craig Doyle.

The Craigster’s been living off UPC ads for the last few years. While Doyle is the epitome of the word dross, Kevin Doyle is not. Does Kevin Doyle deserve to be eating sh*t at the same table? Cast aside? No. So give the lad a chance you bastards. You won’t be happy until he quits, and please God (whoever that may be, Jew God, Muslim God, Hindu God, Protestant God, Jim Corr) that won’t happen.

What would have happened if Michael Jordan had quit after been dropped by his High School team? If Igor Stravinsky had quit after The Rite of Spring? If Henry Ford had quit after going broke for the fifth time?

Give Doyley the chance to get back to form; he deserves that much. Liverpool could do worse than Kevin Doyle. Good players always get good again.

Look at Torres, he’s scoring for fun now…cough.

Spud Watch: The Lay of the Land, Part 4 Coming Next week