Spud Watch – The Irish Abroad 16.11.10

SEAMUS Coleman is rapidly becoming a right-sided Gareth Bale under our eyes. When you consider that this time last year, Bale was still a struggling left-back and you look where he’s at now. Coleman is already far from a struggling defender and was a real handful for the Arse in the first half, creating chances and space through acceleration, flat-out pace, decent control and the ability to make a pass.

I’m not going to get too carried away yet because history has thought me that placing my esteem on great white hopes making it big often leads to disappointment – remember Stephen McPhail? Aslan? And Teen Wolf Too (not a typo)? Please God young Coleman doesn’t suffer the torrid injuries of McPhail, the substance abuse of Christy Dignam, and the egregiousness and shear witlessness of Michael J. Fox’s career post-Family Ties and pre-Spin City.

Brum vs City

Keith Fahey started for Birmingham and played the full 90 against City. He’s a plucky character is Fahey and has a really great left foot on him making him much more deserving of his Irish squad place than many of his contemporaries.

Another clean sheet for Stephen Carr who continues to agonise me, like a hooker in the window of an Amsterdam brothel that I cannot afford or no matter what I say or do, wont have sex with me or play for her national team.

Shay Given is by now clinically depressed and must be considering sitting in a window in Amsterdam where clean sheets will be the least of his worries.

Fulham

Duff started and played the full 90 at left-back for Fulham and wasn’t even mentioned once on the Sky Sports in-game live text commentary, Match of the Day or Premier Soccer Saturday. Funnily enough, neither was Stephen Kelly who started at right back, which isn’t really funny at all. At this rate we are looking at fielding an Irish team with 11 invisible players. This genuinely is a worry though because Damien Duff was, this time last year, in insatiable form and had scored or got an assist against all the top four teams. Now Hughes seems to be deploying him as a left-back which is like using Dawn French as a lingerie model. I don’t know what’s more worrying, the plight of Duff or the fact that Dawn French gives me an erection.

Villa – United

Ciaran Clark was injured but Dunne played and, while he is still a bit erroneous at times, he does seem to be gradually getting back to last year’s form. He played the full 90, unlike…

..Darron Gibson, who adopted a new sitting technique on the Man Utd bench where he sat with his two hands covering his penis for the full 90 minutes. This is very worrying indeed in a week where all I have been doing is worrying about Irish players’ lack of action which has me feeling like Sean Penn in Carlito’s Way.

John O’Shea for the first time in his United tenure must be seriously considering his options. Yes, he’ll probably get some games between now and the end of the season, what with the Champion’s League and lads getting injured, but the fact is John O’Shea’s name is not part of Man U’s strongest eleven, according to Alex Ferguson.

A point proved by the Man City game on Wednesday night and away to Villa on Saturday, with Wes Brown and Raphael ahead of Sheasy in Ferguson’s eyes. Darren Gibson isn’t even in Alex Ferguson’s third eleven and is rapidly becoming one of them lads at a house-party that is not talking to any women, that sits in the corner looking at CDs and TV Listings magazines, and fills his pockets with bacon fries and salad sandwiches.

At Wigan

Steven Reid played the 90 at right-back for West Brom and the Norway game would have been ideal for Reid to prove his credentials again for Ireland. Try telling this to that grumpy Italian who happens to be managing my country. Maybe Trap doesn’t like black people like Bruce Willis in Die Hard 3.

Wolves

Not for the first time this season Wolves were extremely unfortunate. Doyle is in dire need of a tap-in though just to get going again. He hasn’t had anything like it since the start of the season in the league and to be fair I don’t think any other striker in the world playing at Wolves right now would have many more goals than him.

Kevin Foley, one of Ireland’s most consistent Premiership players and starters, got the best goal scored by an Irishman this season in the Premiership so far. Stephen Hunt who had already been booked, was withdrawn early and perhaps wisely by Mick McCarthy, leaving Hunt with the air of a frustrated man as he came off the pitch.

They will start to win games and climb the table soon, hopefully, before Mick starts turning the same colour as bright asphalt. No sign of Trapattoni at Molineaux which is a bit of a disgrace but I guess watching “Highway to Heaven” on Bravo with Marco Tardelli is a much more enjoyable way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

And guess what? Remember ‘Still no sign of Joey O’Brien in the Bolton squad?’ – he was spotted holding the Big Issue outside Asda in Bolton.

Stoke

Wilson and Walters had very small bit-parts – getting a couple of minutes near the end – Glenn Whelan didn’t play any part – He couldn’t even get extra work in Fair City at the minute. The state of play of the Irish players at Stoke City is both shocking and worrying. Trapattoni has an inexplicable soft spot for Stoke players, a lot like I do for late 80s, early 90s, synth-pop band, Shakespeare’s Sister. But what I am sure of, and what Trapattoni is very much deluded about, is that while Mark Wilson or Jon Walters may not be as good at singing as Marcella Detroit, Siobhan Fahey is most certainly a better footballer than Glenn Whelan.

The rest

Andy Reid wasn’t missed by Sunderland at Chelsea but he did score for Sheffield United, the club he’s loaned out to until the end of the month. I think he can have a sh*te if he thinks he’s going to get back in that Sunderland team. Greg Cunningham’s Leicester beat Paul Green’s Derby 1-0. Three Irish lads scored in the space of half an hour in Reading – Ian Harte, Noel Hunt and Shane Long. The last time three Irish lads scored in half an hour here was at a Westlife concert at the Madejski last year.

Ipswich lost with a slew of spuds on their bench; one of which was Darren O’Dea who doesn’t seem to be good enough for the Championship side but is good enough for Ireland.

A guy called Joel Ward scored for Portsmouth who, despite his name, isn’t Irish or Frog Ward’s Jewish brother but he is easily the best looking footballer in the league at the minute. Like Pele says, “I’m not impotent but if I was I’d use viagra”, well “I’m not gay but if I was, I would definitely use Joel Ward’s photo for a sneaky w*nk” – He’s unbelievably handsome. Dunno where Liam Lawrence was, he’s still in the Irish squad though, that’s the main thing. (Sarcasm).

Sean St Ledger is the talisman in a Preston North End defence that has a goal difference of -13 ( 35 AGAINST) and are at the bottom of the Championship. Our other stalwart, Kilbane is a utility player at Hull and usually adopted in midfield these days so that suggests he cant get his place in a Hull back-four that has conceded 21 goals and are one point off relegation. Good enough for Ireland though, that’s the main thing. (More Sarcasm).

Spud Watch will return for analysis of Wednesday night’s international with Norway which is bound to be brilliant given the lengths that Trapattoni has gone to in trying to fix some of our problem positions. (Even more sarcasm). The man is not doing enough to be deserving of the wage he is currently getting from the FAI.

I’ll be giving him/them another 100 Euros Wednesday night. I always get two tickets you see, one for me and one for the wife (I don’t have a wife but I did know a girl once) and I don’t mind parting with my hard earned cash that I get from writing Spud Watch (a lot more sarcasm than before) but lately I have been starting to feel somewhat robbed by Trapattoni’s lack of effort.

Could he not have drafted in Stephen Ward of Wolves with all these injuries occurring among defenders? And could he not just humour Andy Reid and give him a game? Or Steven Reid? Come next year we’ll have the sh*t-house midfield foursome of Green, Whelan, Gibson and Andrews all fit. We’ll have St Ledger and McShane and Kilbane returning also. So what are Russia not going to do to us that they didn’t the first time?

Trapattoni is starting to show his true colours as being a mean bully in my eyes and there’s nothing me and my invisible wife hate more than a bully.

Song on the Irish iPods this week

Andy Reid/Stephen Reid/Stephen Ward/Tony Stokes/many more –

Call me – Blondie

Fuck you (Trapatoni) – Cee Lo

Mick McCarthy

Fade to grey – Visage

Shay Given –

Trapped – Jimmy Cliff/Bruce Springsteen

Why Me? – Linda Martin

Seamus Coleman

Every little thing he does is magic – The Police

Sligo Rovers

Glory Days – Bruce

Non-Irish iPods

Wayne Rooney

Orgasm Addict – The Buzzcocks

Lionel Messi

The Greatest – Cat Power

Lee Hughes

Killer – Adamski

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