The Bacon Slicer: 10 things that annoy me more than they should

HOW fantasy football is starting to ruin my enjoyment of football and take over my weekends. Every Thursday and Friday I spend at least an hour debating with myself who to drop and who to get in, thinking this is surely the week that Scott Parker will score a hat trick (Scott Parker kindly chose to sit out this week’s match with a chest infection – how manly!)

As a Man United fan I should be delighted to see Chelsea lose but then I am torn because I have three of their players in my team and Drogba is my bloody captain. Yet I am terrified to drop him because in 9 game’s time he will score 4 and I will be thinking why did I let him go? I see that Mick McCarthy was giving out that Capello never told Jarvis that he did not make the final squad for last week’s England game. I must confess that I am similar to Capello in that I don’t contact the players when I drop them. No doubt Samir Nasri has me on his list of people to snub shaking hands with considering that I deemed him surplus to requirements some weeks ago.

9. The fact that Paul McShambles is eligible to play for Ireland.

8. Jamie Redknapp. I bet Lousie is terrified that he will morph into Harry when he is older! Also am I the only one who reckons that good old ‘Arry is the type to make a drunken pass at Louise every Christmas whilst Jamie is playing the Wii with the kids?

7. I cannot see this being a popular one. The decline of John Giles’ analysis over the last few years as he turns senile in front of our eyes. He really was brilliant but I doubt he has gotten a player’s name right in the last 4 years. Sometimes I wonder if RTE just have some footage of Giles berating a player’s lack of moral courage and have been just showing it to us on a loop.

6. The bit in Star Wars when Luke says “Obi Wan Kenobi? I wonder if he means Old Ben Kenobi?” How many bloody Kenobis are there?

5. Alan Shearer’s tendency to ask himself a question during the analysis on Match of the Day and then proceed to answer it. “Can he score from there? Yes he can.” “Will he be disappointed with that? Yes he will”

4. I cannot figure out what annoys me more here- the fact that I read Robbie Savage’s book or the fact that I bought it with my own money. For anyone thinking of getting it, I say: don’t, it’s shite.

3. Another Match of the Day one here – Lee Dixon and his bloody little triangles.

2. Stupid phrases that have been coming into football for the last few years and how you hear idiots using them in the pub. Examples include “Top, top player” , “Two up top” and “Not that type of player”. A fella I played soccer with used to always say “back door”. What the hell was that about?

1. Now this one really annoys me and is the last piece I will leave you with. Guys who talk about themselves in the third person on the soccer field. One lad I played against used to always roar at his teammates “Glenn’s on. Glenn’s on left full” when he was looking for the ball. It took me a couple of takes to realise he was actually talking about himself. The pretentious sod.

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