Spud Watch – The Irish Abroad 07.12.10

SPUD Watch is really going down the tubes as there is not a whole lot to be watching right now. An aberrant weekly “No Sex in the City“ column might be the way forward which would be equally barren, sadly.

The famine is very much upon us my friends. We are hammering down the doors of the proverbial soup houses which are being slammed in our faces by the Brits. Things have gotten so bad this week I’ve started googling naked images of Angela Lansbury again. Here’s this week’s Spud Watch.

Chelsea – Everton

A tough afternoon for young Seamus Coleman at Stamford Bridge but it will stand to him. He found it next to impossible to skin arguably the best left-back on the planet, though he was a threat throughout and is never wasteful with the ball. He’s ever improving and is the nearest thing to taking prozac I’m getting while doing Spud Watch. We need him. He is the last hope for potatoes. He is our Neo. He is the one.

Arse – Fulham

No Duff. No Kelly. Zero minutes of game time for each. As I stared, teary-eyed at Duff on the bench, making noises like Chewbacca, all the glorious good times flashed through my mind. A montage of awesome dribbling goals and assists for Blackburn and Ireland in the spell from January to May 2002. The Hibernian Insurance ad. The first two seasons with Mourinho at Chelsea. The time I met him in The Manhattan all-night diner on Harcourt Road, where he was eating a fry and he didn’t even tell me to “F*ck off” when I licked his egg. That golden goal he scored for the Under 19s in foreign in 1997 against Morocco. The last 23 minutes of normal time against Spain in 2002, arguably the greatest performance by a winger in a green shirt. And indeed all of last season with Fulham, he was as good as he has ever been. What I find hard to accept though is how much he has gone back in the space of a few months? And what about Stephen Kelly? He hasn’t put a foot wrong for Fulham this year and he too is being ill-treated. The whole thing stinks if you ask me, it stinks of Mark Hughes.

Birmingham – Spurs

Keith Fahey started again for Brimingham. Playing in the Premier League is a scarcity for us these days.

Stephen Carr seemed determined to get one over on his old club as he was as dependable as ever and interestingly kept Gareth Bale subdued. No sign of Trapattoni at St Andrews and if he has any aspirations of getting Carr back in his squad, should he not be here every week? Pleading with him? Annoying the heart and soul out of him? It works for me with young ones, though sometimes they call the Guards.

Robbie Keane is at the end of the road now for Spurs. He’s been faded out, maybe a bit unfairly, a lot like “A Country Practice” was back in 1993, despite it being the most watched programme in Portlaoise Prison and Hungary. Harry eulogised him on Friday saying he was too good a player not to be playing football, too good to be on the bench or even to be in his squad, which didn’t really make any sense. Then again the seed for Jamie Redknapp did come out of his body, possibly from his anus.

There’s talk of Robbie heading for Vancouver Shite Hawks in the MLS where he’d surely get a rip of goals and be well received by the locals. If that b*llocks Hector’s trip to Canada is anything to go by, there’s lots of Irish over there and he’d have great “craic,” whatever the f*ck that is.

Turkey though, is a different beast and may be more conducive to furthering his career, what with the prospect of Champions League football. Though like Irish people in any foreign country, with their different customs, there’s always the threat of bags of piss being thrown at him by locals (not unlike Killinarden ), or a breach of local laws leading to imprisonment, and we’ve all seen that film “Midnight Express.” It would be awful to think that Trapattoni and John Delaney may have to visit him in prison, staring at him through a transparent wall, while Robbie wails and cries deliriously with his hand down his pants.

Aiden McGeady has been in contact with Keane by text suggesting that European clubs are a good option, offering the chance of scoring lots of goals and playing Champions League football – Then again if Aiden McGeady texted you you’d hardly be over the moon – It’s like getting a text from some eejit you work with, asking you to meet up for drinks on a Saturday night. You ignore it or make up some excuse as to why you can’t meet up with him, then later on that night when you do bump into him somewhere on the street, you pretend to be invisible or just say that you are someone else and hide behind the bin until he walks away.

It’s not easy for Robbie, but he needs a reality check. He’s probably not good enough for a top-four team in the Premiership but he still wants top-four wages – like that beast Mary from X-Factor. She won’t work in Tescos no more, even though she’s not good enough to be a UK pop star. You have to accept it and move on. Life’s a sh*t-house, and she’s a night club bouncer that can sing.

Wigan – Stoke

James McCarthy is still injured and will be hopeful that his team can at least stay out of the bottom three in his absence. It’s like when your told to baby-sit your younger brother when your parents go out on the piss when you’re small. You try not to saw him in half or put him in the oven. Let’s hope by the time their parents come home Wigan are not at the bottom of the Premier League.

I’ll tell you how good Glenn Whelan is, Jon Walters started in midfield ahead of him. If Jon Walters were a Pokemon, his two moves would be “lunge” and “collapse”. Glenn Whelan came on for him for the last 20 minutes to shore up the midfield, and by shore up I mean do nothing. A lot like that poor lad from The Manic Street Preachers, he continues to get a wage paid into his account every month despite the fact that he hasn’t been seen since jumping off the proverbial Severn Bridge after the France game in Paris last year.

Rory Delap took 16 throws and scored an own-goal. Marc Wilson was spotted driving towards the Severn Bridge.

Citeh – Bolton

Joe Hart was absolutey awful on Saturday. He missed balls and made the kind of errors that would make Gerry Peyton cry. But it’s not going to matter. Mancini, being the b*llocks that he is, will not drop Hart. Not even if Hart tea-bagged his wife in front of his very eyes and then took a sh*te on his Gino Ginelli meat and pineapple extreme. Shay Given is feeling the wrath of the nasty Italian.

I don’t really like Italians – compounded by the time I stayed in a hostel in Camden and a lad from Genoa via Bedford, who was staying in my room said he’d stab me if I touched his stuff. The funny thing was I rode a fat Swedish girl in his bed when he went out. That wasn’t funny at all really, but the point is most Italians I’ve met aren’t very nice people and I heard Luigi from the Mario brothers can be a right prick off-camera.

Having said that, I did meet a friendly Italian on the subway in Brooklyn who told me and my friends that he was a porn director and invited us back to his house where we took drugs and played Playstation. Then he got his lad out.

Roberto Mancini is going to keep picking Hart and like Robbie Keane, Shay Given will have to take a pay cut and head for the hills in January. Hopefully Shay gets to ride a fat Swedish girl in Mancini’s bed before he does so.

Blackpool -Man U

John O’Shea didn’t have to suffer the indignation of being an unused sub for the third week running in the Premiership as Man U’s game at Blackpool was snowed under by the inclement weather. Darron Gibson was spotted in Marc Wilson’s car.

Blackburn – Wolves

Wolves got battered away with Doyle, Ward, Foley starting. Stephen Hunt came on later as a sub. I have been incessantly calling for Trapattoni to bring Foley and Ward into the squad or even the first team, but the fact remains that they are part of the worst defence in the Premier League. So maybe Giovanni was right all along. All this time I’ve been living in ignorance thinking that they were great players. I feel like Bruce Willis at the end of that film where the young lad told him that he see’s dead people, “Moonlighting”, I think it was.

Stephen Hunt looked lively when he came on. Doyle endeavoured to hold the ball up with little support. He’s not even getting chances anymore, as Wolves are lacking creativity. Things are not looking so good at Wolves. Last year they were certainly winning more games and picking up points here and there. They’ve scored as many goals as most teams in the bottom half but they have let in more. If this stays up it’ll be “Yippie Ki Aye Mother f*cka” for them, as Bruce Willis says in that film, “Look Who’s Talking Too” I think it was.

Sunderland – West Ham

David Meyler is back playing reserves and looks better than ever by all accounts. This is what my psychiatrist told me anyways. She better not be lying or I will top myself. I mean it this time.

West Brom – Newcastle

Chris Hughton has been sent on his way after Steven Reid’s West Brom ran out 3-1 winners. It’s a bit harsh on Hughton because they’ve had some great results this year but you get the feeling that the club were just looking for an excuse to be rid of him. It’s like Slash for Guns N’ Roses – Axel didn’t like him in the band because of his drug-addled state and, even though Slash was a bona-fide genius, the first mistake he made (drinking sheep-dip with bass player Duff McCalion), he was gone very abruptly. Guns N’ Roses have never been the same since and have become something of a joke, which is exactly what Newcastle United are.

Chris Hughton must now set up his own band with Packie Bonner on drums, and hopefully bring in Leon Best to play bass, as he’s not gonna get a gig for love nor money if he stays at Newcastle.

Liverpool – Aston Villa

A bad day at the office for Richard Dunne and Ciaran Clark at Anfield, qualified by the fact, that despite another resounding Villa defeat, at least the two boys were playing. Yes, things are bad for the Irish.


Another bad result for Roy in the Championship. He’ll soon be back watching Neighbours like he used to in 1989 before his move to Forest. Keane’s right about England though, they gotta move on – I remember how gutted I felt when the priest didn’t choose me as “best dressed child” for my First Holy Communion Ball in 1989. I was distraught but I got over it and moved on – and anyway, the lad who won it has been waddling around like an AT-AT walker from Star Wars ever since, the poor b*stard.

And now for the rest of the Championship (queue Benny Hill music).

Andy Keogh finally got some game time at Cardiff. It’s not been great for Keogh in Wales and you get the feeling that he’s inevitably gonna get the chop if they do go up. Like when Saddam Hussein was about to be hung by the Iraqis a few years back, you can clearly hear him saying “Come on maaaaan. Coooome ooonn. I’ll suuuck yooo diiiick” to the hangman on the Youtube video. But it just wasn’t enough for poor Saddam as the damage had already been done prior to this, having been extremely unprolific in the Iraqi league for the previous season. Andy Keogh would be equally unprolific in the Iraqi league.

Paul Green continues to be a 1 in 6 billion.

Young Greg Cunningham was on the losing side away to Watford – rumour has it Sven is trying to bring Robbie Keane to Leicester, ostensibly to save Robbie from his living hell at Spurs but really I suspect he hopes to give Claudine a dart.

Songs currently playing on the iPods of the Irish players

ShayGiven/ Robbie Keane

Ready to Go – Republica

Somewhere Else – Razorlight

Glenn Whelan/Paul Green

Missing – Everything but the girl

If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next – Manic street Preachers

Chris Hughton

Time to Say Goodbye – Sarah Brightman

Hit The Road Jack – Ray Charles

Roy Keane

Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I’ll Go Mine) – Bob Dylan


Some Might Say (that we should be in the first team) – Oasis

Non-Irish players

Harry Redknapp

He’s No Son of Mine (Jamie) – Genesis

Sam Alardyce

Charmless Man – Blur

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